I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
