I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
