Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
