For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
