It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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