Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
