I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
