i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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