I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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