Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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