i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
