Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
