i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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