The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
