so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
