I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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