he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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