I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
