I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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