Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
