A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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