why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
