Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
