I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I could fuck to npr.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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