i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
