I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
