More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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