I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
