I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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