So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
