why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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