Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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