____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
