I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
