Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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