It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Drunk is not a location!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
