you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
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