hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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