I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
