thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
