I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
