I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize