Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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