We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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