My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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