Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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