uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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