meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize