he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize