Swine flu. Run for my life!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
