If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
