if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
