I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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