just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
