the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
