I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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