Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
