What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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