I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
