I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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