I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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