I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
