As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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