Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
