my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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