awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Why is your signature on my underwear?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
