Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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