connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
