Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
