Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
