I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
