It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
