you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
